allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
