whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
