What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
