fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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