Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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