i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you win again, gameday.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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