Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
