Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
