Ketchup is God's man juice
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
