every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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