If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
