for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
