Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
two words...techno handjob
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
