Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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