Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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