I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
