Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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