covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
