I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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