I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
