I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
