someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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