Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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