She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
