i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
