The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
