I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
