do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
