New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
