If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
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Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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