I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will be naked everywhere
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm bleeding and have questions
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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