Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
