I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
