Got a toothbrush?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
