i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
