Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
