so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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