i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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