before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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