is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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