I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
