And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize