I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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