I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
