I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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