He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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