Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
