the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
