i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
