After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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