dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
