Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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