You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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