If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
