On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
