I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
